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An estimated one-third of men and one-quarter of women in the United States have had sex with someone other than their spouse during their marriage. Infidelity is so commonplace that it has altered society’s perception of it, says researcher, psychiatrist and family therapist Frank Pittman in his book Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.
A recent New York Magazine article entitled “The Affairs of Men” questioned whether a happy marriage is any longer possible.
Half of the marriages in this country do not last “till death do us part.”
Is it realistic to expect people to stay in one monogamous relationship for the rest of their lives? A better way to look at it is: What are the personal benefits of fidelity?
After reviewing more than 130 studies published over the last century, a researcher at UCLA found “an intimate link between marital status and personal well-being.” A study by the University of Massachusetts concluded, “One of the most consistent observations in health research is that the married enjoy better health than those of other statuses.”
Husbands and wives who remain faithful to each other live longer, healthier lives. They are more prosperous. Their households are the best environment for child rearing. Numerous research projects have reached this conclusion about marriage not only in the United States but in at least 17 other countries.
Another important benefit of marriage is diversity between spouses. Marriage is proof that opposites attract. Experts agree that learning to appreciate differences rather than see them as obstacles promotes emotional and spiritual development. These differences result from gender, upbringing, individual personalities and life experiences, says Bob Lepine, cohost of the nationally syndicated “FamilyLife Today” radio program (heard at 10 a.m. weekdays on Joy! 102.5).
What is ‘Fidelity’?
“Fidelity” means true to the original intent. It’s a derivative of the Latin word fidelis, used in the Marine Corps motto Semper Fidelis, always faithful.
Dictionaries define it as the quality of being loyal or trustworthy; possessing devotion to one’s duties or vows. In marriage, fidelity means to remain physically and emotionally faithful to one’s spouse.
People married in Christian ceremonies promise before God to love and cherish one another, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, forsaking all others, giving themselves only to one another, for so long as they both live.
To keep this oath is to live the truth. God blesses people who honor the vows they make
“God is the One who brings us together with the idea that we will complete one another,” Lepine tells couples at FamilyLife conferences.
Relationships prosper when spouses with opposite personalities realize neither style is the only “right” one. Lepine says learning to work cooperatively produces the humility and harmony God intends when He puts couples together.
As 19th century Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy observed, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”
NOT WIDELY KNOWN
With so many techniques for sharing information, why aren’t the benefits of fidelity more widely known?
The Greatest Threat
In his book Solid Answers, Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson responds to this question: “What do you consider to be the greatest threat to the stability of families today?”
Answer: “It would be a phenomenon that every marriage counselor deals with regularly. The scenario involves a vulnerable woman who depends on her husband to meet her emotional needs and a workaholic man who has little time for family responsibilities. Year after year she reaches for him and finds he’s not there. She nags, complains, cries and attacks him for his failures – to no avail.
“He is carrying the load of three men in his business or profession and can’t figure out how to keep that enterprise going while providing what his wife needs. As time goes by, she becomes increasingly angry, which drives him even further into his workaday world. He is respected and successful there. And thereafter he is even less accessible to her.
“Then one day, to her husband’s shock, this woman reaches a breaking point and either leaves him for someone else or files for divorce. It is a decision she may live to regret and one that often devastates her children – although by then the marriage is long gone. It was such a preventable disaster…”
“Given the impact of the media, I am not surprised that contemporary statistics regarding marriages paint a sad picture regarding the shorter span of first marriages that end in divorce,” observed Tom Elliff, former leader of the Southern Baptist Council on Family Life.
• Marriages which end in divorce last an average of eight years.
• About one in five Americans have been divorced.
• Today’s divorce rate is triple what it was in the 1950s.
• Christians divorce at roughly the same rate as non-Christians.
• Seventy percent of chronic problem drinkers are either divorced or separated.
Gallup’s 2008 Values and Beliefs survey found that 70 percent of Americans believe divorce is “morally acceptable.” They were probably unaware of a study, headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, which analyzed the relationship between marriage, divorce and happiness.
“Divorce leads to many ills including poverty, depression, poor health and a greater likelihood of suicide,” the report stated. “Divorced men have higher rates of mental illness and death due to accidents and suicide than married men. Also, divorced fathers who do not live with their children are more likely to engage in behaviors that compromise their health. A study of children’s home environments found that divorced mothers are less able to provide the same level of emotional support to their children than married mothers.”
It’s Not Too Late
Infidelity ends marriages 65 percent of the time. Some authorities believe it is involved in 90 percent of first-time divorces. This does not have to be the case. It can actually work as a wake-up call for couples willing to put effort into healing. Sometimes they can’t work through it themselves and must seek help. It may take an experienced pastor or Christian counselor to lead a couple back to wholeness. God can restore what has been damaged.
Forgiveness is the first step to healing. Spouses must forgive each other (usually both have contributed to the situation, even if only one has committed the act). As they forgive, they must ask God’s forgiveness. Marriage vows are more than a legal formality. They are a covenant not just between man and wife but with God.
Couples must go through the five stages of grief:
• Denial (This isn’t happening to me!)
• Anger (Why is this happening to me?)
• Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore.)
• Acceptance (I’m ready to take responsibility and change.)
Rebuilding trust does not mean naïvely ignoring what has happened. It occurs by establishing mutual accountability and honesty in place of blaming and deception. Both parties must humble themselves and give up some perceived rights. This takes time and commitment and sacrifice, but it can actually make a marriage stronger.
A study, headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, found that the unhappiest marriages experienced the most dramatic turnarounds when spouses worked together on their differences. Resolving misunderstandings and anger revealed that a strong bond of affection still existed.
Not surprisingly, family breakups are the thing 16- to 22-year-olds in America fear the most, according to a recent cell phone survey by New America Media.
DEPRECIATING INSTITUTION
This is a culture bombarded with images that grant permission to indulge in carnality. Even among regular churchgoers, cohabiting isn’t necessarily viewed as unscriptural. A poll by the Barna Group found that 36 percent of people identifying themselves as born-again Christians approved of cohabitation, and 39 percent believed indulging in sexual fantasies is morally acceptable, despite contradictory biblical principles.
Entertainment media promote the idea that infidelity is therapeutic and harmless. This “Hollywood” mindset supposes an affair can revive a sagging marriage, but the opposite is true. Affairs lead to divorce 65 percent of the time.
The disconnect over fidelity results from a depreciating regard for the institution of marriage. A survey earlier this year revealed that 44 percent of American adults below the age of 70 believe marriage is not necessary in order to have a committed, fulfilling, lifelong relationship. Statistics disprove this sentiment.
Dr. Glenn T. Stanton, senior analyst for marriage and sexuality at Focus on the Family, cites research which states that the health benefits of marriage are not replicated in cohabitation. The Rutgers University National Marriage Project found that couples who cohabit before marrying are 46 percent more likely to divorce, and significantly more prone toward domestic violence.
Marriage once was widely perceived as God’s ordained institution for rearing children. As values have shifted, marriage has lost its overtone of longevity. In a throwaway society where goods are manufactured with planned obsolescence, marriage appears “disposable.”
FIRE DRILLS
Infidelity often results from a lack of fulfillment at home rather than physical attraction to someone else. It can start innocently as a friendship at the office or with a neighbor, and escalate to emotional adultery – inordinately confiding in or developing a dependency on someone other than a spouse. The longer it is left unchecked, the more likely it is to result in a physical romance.
“We can’t fool ourselves into believing that we can have intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home,” said Miami Beach psychologist M. Gary Neuman in an interview with The (Baltimore) Sun. He added, “If you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in your marriage.”
In his book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley writes that meeting a spouse’s needs is the surest way to guard against infidelity. Failure in this area is more often the result of ignorance rather than selfishness.
He lists the five needs of a wife: affection (concern, protection and approval, not just sexual attraction); conversation (not small talk but engaging dialog about what’s important to her); honesty (not merely being truthful but saying what needs to be said); financial commitment (adequately providing her needs); and family commitment (making the family a priority by assuming leadership).
Five needs of men are sexual fulfillment (which is different for men than for women); recreational companionship (need for a playmate to share interests); a spouse who is attentive to her appearance (which complements his ability to recognize her inner qualities); domestic support (providing a fulfilling home life); and admiration (his need for encouragement and recognition).
How can couples meet these needs? Gary and Norma Smalley have taught life-giving principles about marriage and families for over 30 years. Their son Michael lists four ways to affair-proof a marriage:
1. Make a commitment towards growth. Because sexual temptation increases as satisfaction in the marriage relationship decreases, keep a dialog open to understand the needs of your spouse and what will make the relationship grow.
2. Become aware of your choices. Don’t think in terms of what you can get away with. Don’t rationalize betrayal by saying, “Everyone’s doing it.” Take responsibility for your thinking before it leads to unwanted consequences.
3. Draw a line and then stay a safe distance behind it. Boundaries are a necessary discipline of life. Don’t see how close you can get to the rim of the canyon if you don’t want to fall in.
4. Become accountable to someone. Be answerable to another person or persons for the commitments you’ve made. It can be a trustworthy friend, pastor, Bible study group or coworker – an appropriate person you can confide in, confess to and pray with.
Infidelity, divorce and broken homes are avoidable. When spouses work together at having a good marriage, they shine in their communities, workplaces and churches, and they teach their children to do likewise.